I have not written in weeks...

I have not written in a few weeks. I have wanted to. I have wanted to go through or explore a few things in greater depth but I just haven’t got to it. I noticed that some of what I would have explored in writing I talk about with friends or family. I notice that I appreciate conversation and expression and so I tend to privilege those experiences versus the writing. I firmly believe though that storytelling of all types, and this includes the micro-blogging we do online to the conversations we have on our toilets are antidotes, they are ways and acts that we do to feel better, to get by.

Even now as I write or type, to be precise, I am distracted. I am picturing when I am running around or lying down or scrolling or just flitting to the next thing that happens after waking up. My world I might say is not set up for writing. The special circumstances and abundance of energy or clear space or tons of quiet—this I do not have. Years ago, in school, this was me. I would spend nights typing up essays in the Quantitative Skills Center, or Q-Center and, totally relishing the quiet time.

Many times it was me in the center, a windowless room with desks and computers, alone, and other times my peers were there trying to get through our work. I don’t know if it was perfectly healthy to be staying up like this but I did appreciate knowing that it was quiet and that I had time to myself. As I considered different topics to write I felt like I both sat within a cocoon and that I also shed it at the same time. I’m not sure if that makes sense.

It’s hard to find this time to write. And then to choose to share. I know some folks keep up a personal journaling process, which is wonderful, and I see this circle as something akin to that: an opportunity for us to be in conversation with other women who are navigating a curvaceous world. I felt I pressured you ladies earlier this Fall to share and I want to emphasize I do not wish to add any pressure to your lives. This space is for when you can write and when you want to. There will be ebb and flow and that’s ok. And I know it’s sometimes hard to write and not have a way to feedback but we are seeing you and appreciating you, reading and holding you. Your words these last few months, and your selves are the helpful apparitions that pop up periodically and I am thankful. I will write more in another post about us gathering in person so that those who have not met can meet and break bread and to also send me some encouragement and affirmation as I return to work next year.

As much as I enjoy the excitement and verve of life I see for myself that each day is a quest to persevere through a beautiful and gray world. As one of my teachers might ask, where do you find the nerve or courage? I find the nerve and the solace in your words and I hope you can find some in mine. It is a way, this reading and sharing, this writing to keep dabbing our tender selves tenderly.

Give thanks. N

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